Saturday, August 17, 2013

Law & Order

It has been quite a while since I had a significantly bad, yet humorous date. When I finally left the restaurant where I met Law & Order, I realized that this was another story that needed to be shared.

Our first few conversations were good. He seemed funny, though sometimes I couldn't tell if he was joking. When we decided to meet, I knew it would be interesting, but wasn't sure that there would be chemistry. I did not anticipate how right I was.

We separately arrived at a wine bar about halfway between us. He seemed relaxed and he was pretty cute. He looked a lot like a young Christopher Meloni, from SVU. We immediately got in line at the walk-up bar to get our wine. While standing there, we made our first attempts at casual conversation - do you want to eat anything, have you been here before, what kind of wine do you like, etc. I told him that I have a special appreciation for wines that are just called "red". They're usually easy to drink table wines that are slightly sweet. His response was "I like red golf balls". While trying to make sense of this, I replied "oh really?" He said "no, I just said it". Like a golf ball to the face, the realization that this was going to be a weird night hit me and it stung.

We got our wine and got a table. We talked for a couple hours about a variety of topics. He told me about his job as a peace officer and I told him about my work in compliance. We talked about the failures of the criminal justice system at length. But the most remarkable topic, that we could not seem to escape was his undying affection/hatred for a woman that he once called a "unicorn tamer"... "because only virgins can tame unicorns". That's right. And L&O had been in love with this unicorn tamer until "about 6 months ago". It's absolutely worth noting that he's pretty sure she's no longer a virgin, but apparently has not had that fact confirmed.

The attraction L&O had for his virgin crush was evident. Yet, there was a deep distain lurking beneath it. The way he spoke about her hinted at feelings of betrayal. I sensed that he felt she owed him something (namely, her virginity). He spoke about her poor choices in romantic interests and mentioned briefly what a better choice he would have made. Sometimes I would probe. That's how I found out that he does have a slight preference for virgins. I had long since given up any idea of this being a successful date.

The preference for virgins and his love of a specific one made the conversation awkward and made the date an obvious waste of time. The strangeness of this man is what made the conversation worth noting and the man creepy. I cannot even remember what topic prompted this, but at one point L&O told me that he collects penises. He said it was difficult (he may have said "hard"). I agreed, saying I can't imagine people would want to give them up. When I was sufficiently convinced that L&O had the potential to one day snap and go on a killing spree, I asked him if he makes skin suits. His answer, "no, just lamps".

The restaurant started closing around 9 or 9:30. I was grateful for the excuse to leave. I suggested we go for a short walk since we had been drinking, but my intent was to make my way towards the car. Eventually, he stopped and kissed me. It reminded me of a anaconda dislocating its jaw in order to swallow a goat whole. I'm not sure if anacondas lick goats' faces when they eat them, but L&O thoroughly licked mine. I disengaged and wiped my face off.

L&O suggested finding a discrete place to have sex. I told him to slow down. He plainly replied that it's late and he should get going. I had to hold in my laughter. Luckily, he had no interest in or intention of walking me to my car. He bee-lined for his own. When I was sure that he was gone, I walked to my car. I didn't want him to catch my license plate number as I drove off as I was sure that I'd be pulled over every day thereafter. So far, that hasn't been the case.